You're only as old as you feel...

And I feel old. So very very old today. Today my oldest baby turned 17. I don't know how or where the time went to. I missed it flying by somehow. I mean I was there, I spend a ton of time with the kids. But still it snuck up on me in ways I never anticipated. That chubby little baby now has facial hair. I am also struggling today with internal demons I just can't seem to shake. But I am going to push them aside for today, today they don't matter because today I will bake cupcakes and celebrate my baby. And this evening after we finish packing we will drive to Branson Missouri and prepare to spend two days in the Silver Dollar City theme park he enjoys so much.

When he was little he was always smiling. Giggliest baby you ever met. But DAMN he never slept. Boy didn't nap ever. I mean like at 1 day old boy did NOT nap. He slept through the night at a reasonable age but napping notta. So it was non stop all day with him as a toddler. Into EVERYTHING at all times.

As he grew though things didn't quite line up as expected. He didn't play with his toys like other toddlers. His favorite game at 15 months old was to take a basket of laundry and take each piece out one at a time and place it in a pile in the hallway. once the pile was complete he would then take one piece at a time and place it in a new pile a little further down the hall. This could rinse and repeat for hours. And you most certainly had better not touch his piles.

At 15 months old Kolby was diagnosed with Autism. The blow was hard. I mean it didn't change him. Didn't affect who he was. But it was confirmation that he would never likely be able to do all the things I would have hoped and dreamed he'd accomplish in life. Oh he's made great strides and is a fantastic and amazing young man. But college, marriage, children... those things are very unlikely to ever be within his grasp. All I can do is hope he's able to be happy with his life as it is without those things that most people live their life for. I know I live my life for my children, my husband, my joy comes from my work and my hobbies.. All of which you reading this get to enjoy on the site here. But my baby just isn't going to get those things. But I am doing my best to make certain the joy he does find in his life bring him fulfillment.

It's never been a secret that years ago I chose to no longer vaccinate my children. My younger 3 have none at all. My 3rd only to age 15 months and the oldest two up to 4 years boosters. When my second son Krishtian was a baby he too was diagnosed with autism. He was actually a very typical baby. Did everything right. But at 15 months after his shots something changed. But I was young. I was still so young and had so much faith in doctors and science back then. They convinced me there was no way the shot had any effect. So for years we worked therapy with the boys. Speech, occupational, physical... hours upon hours of anything that might help draw them out of their little shells. Krishtian actually had started to come out. He was saying some words, putting together some sentences. But in the summer of 2006 Krishtian received his 4 year booster shot to prepare to start a special needs preschool part time to increase his therapy time. That was the longest few weeks of my life. His reaction was terrible. His leg swelled up bigger than his waist and we spend much time in the children's hospital attempting to bring that and his fever down. He never spoke his words again after that day. The ones he had learned, the few phrases he had started to put together, they were gone after that.

For this reason it should come as no surprise to anyone that vaccines scare the literal fuck out of me. Just even the thought of anyone poking one of those needles on me or my child gives me panic attacks these days that truly take my breath away and knock the wind out of me at a level that is indescribable.

This is where those demons come in. You know the ones I mentioned that I simply can not shake. This is where they have me and won't let go. If you are easily offended then stop here... Because well too much info as they say is kinda my thing. I really don't have a filter. It apparently never developed. I know other people have those but yeah.. not me. SO.. if language or honest forward truths or discussions on sex bother your delicate senses you picked the wrong blogger to follow.

So my demons... I haven't been battling them as much lately. Focus has been on weight loss and schooling the children and revamping my businesses, all of those are going fairly well. But those damn demons are still there and they found a way to catch me off guard. The other night after I put in a few hours sewing (gotta finish the girls fall wardrobes!) the kids all finally asleep, I nestled in next to my amazing husband. I love that man to death. He's an amazing husband and father.

We've been not really trying but definitely not preventing hoping to welcome a 7th child sometime in the future... because who doesn't need more amazing people in their life you know. All my kids are awesome.

But in the middle of sex my demons slapped me to a depth I did not realize possible that night. I felt a bandaid on my husbands upper arm. So of course I asked oh did you get hurt or stung? I thought shit a bee or something stung him today. Nope.. He got a flu shot. I guess office pressures are easy to succumb to and he doesn't have as strong of fear as I do. The first though that immediately popped into my head was the fact that I would ovulate in a few days. I completely froze. The immediate and overwhelming fear of conceiving while he had fresh poisons in his blood that no one can honestly prove would or would not in any way affect sperm let me almost unable to breath. Maybe its irrational and hey if you think so more power to you. Rational or not it put a lump in my throat that blocked my airway enough to nearly strangle me.

Now I have been battling daily all year long with my desire for more children. I want more so badly. But unlike in the past when one single try always yielded a baby this year that has not been the case. My body has not been my friend at all. Maybe the weight loss journey, maybe stress, maybe age.. maybe all of the above, but nothing is acting like it should and pregnancy has not been in the cards. A few months ago I told myself that since we really regret the large age gap between our 3rd and 4th that 3 years gap was my max. After that I would just call it. This January will conclude that time frame. Now I had a lot of hope for trying this month but I KNOW we could never try in November because being due the week Krishtian starts highschool is not an option. That's going to be such a transition for him. I have to be available fully at that time. So the moment I felt that bandaid and knew for peace of mind I would not be able to try this month, then knowing November was already out of the question, and December timing is super impossible because of vacation and travel.. well my heart shattered. I realized that that moment represented more than a momentary fear. It represented the end of a dream that I can't seem to give up completely but now have no idea how to move past.

Sure I could ignore my fear and try this month anyways and hey maybe it would work out. But then.. if anything, anything at all went wrong, am I sure I could live with that? What would that psychologically and emotionally do to me? If the simple thought and fear of it can leave me this broken now what would a lifetime of regret do to me? How could I be who I need to be for my other children, for my husband? But in the same instance.. once this time is passed, and the decision come to, someday will I still cry over the missing parts of my family that won't ever be? At the moment the weight of it is nearly unbearable. I have no idea how to process it. I know I have 6 children already, should just move on, close this chapter and write the next. But my heart doesn't want to let go of the dream. But my mind won't let me move forward. At this point I am struggling this week to connect to my husband which is NOT normal for me at all. But even thinking about sex at the moment make me cry. It seriously makes me swell up with tears and I can't catch my breath because it represents those demons and that fear. I will move passed it. I don't know what the future holds. But if this chapter is closing I may need to make the decision to permanently and completely close it to move forward with the rest of my life.

Permanent birth control, getting rid of all baby items, something to make it necessary to just let go. Because I am not certain I can otherwise fully move passed it.